New age pet-ownership

Logan is working on her "Beary Special Person" poster for first grade and under the category "pets", the poor thing, not wanting to appear the ONLY pet less child in her school (she pretty much is), wrote; squirrels and birds. We actually do have numerous squirrels and birds in the back yard and we even feed them from time to time. That technically makes them our "pets", right? Everyone else has a hamster or dog or a chinchilla, but not us. Because I am a mean mom. That and because we have managed to kill off every other pet that we have had, aside from the Border Collie that we gave away when we moved back to the burbs from the farm, although, truth be told, I wanted to kill it too on numerous occasions.

The goldfish never made it past the first water change, the hermit crabs (supposedly hard to kill... I like a challenge)stopped coming out of their shells, and Lindsey's classroom pet hamster that we were charges with for the weekend... did not live to see Sunday. The dog? Pepper had a voracious appetite for shoes (brand NEW shoes) full cases of TP from Costco, full cases of ramen, toys and pretty much anything not nailed down. If we left anything out for even a minute- he ate it. I grew weary of this game quickly. That and the poop. Oh the poop. Don't get me started.

When we moved back to the burbs, we found a kindly old farmer to adopt Pepper and train him to be a cow dog. Really, this is a Border Collie's dream come true, but try telling my kids this. Oh well, the money I save on replacing shredded shoes, I suppose I'll spend later on therapy trying to repair the emotional damage sustained by the kids by not bringing him with us.

The weird thing is, I grew up with a crazy menagerie of animals. Besides a plethora of dogs and cats, there was the hawk (for realz!), the fox, the skunk, Sweetpea (for realzz!!), pigs, chickens, a cockatoo that would call for the dog and make him crazy, the gigantic, miniature, lop eared rabbit with a temper, the guinea hen, the rat... you get the idea. You would think I'd be all over having animals. Not so much.

Our house always smelled like poo because my parents never house trained anyone (us kids excepted). I remember getting up in the morning and having to clean it up off the carpet. Nasty. Thanks but no thanks, I have 3 kids and therefore plenty of poo in my life. I remember animals dying, having to be put down, being butchered (not all were PETS, some were food), running off and, oh yeah... pooping everywhere.

I guess I am old and uptight, but I DO NOT enjoy being slobbered on (again, 3 kids, got that covered), shedded on (2 of them are girls, check), being prodded in my privates (husband, check), so a dog, which the kids desperately want, is not in my plans. We discovered last year that Logan is allergic to cats, so (yay) no cat.. which is fine, who needs that kind of rejection from a beast you feed and care for (middle schooler, check).

We live in the burbs, so city code prohibits most of my aforementioned childhood pets. So... what's left? Furby's or Tamogatchi's you say? Tried those- wanted to hurl them into oncoming traffic. You know, I am starting to grow attached to those squirrels and birds anyway. They're so, natural, and, cute, and NOT IN MY HOUSE and they hide their poop well (the squirrels anyway- when's the last time you stepped in squirrel poo?) Oh, and I'm pretty sure they're environmentally friendly... yeah, that's the ticket. Yes, maybe we'll edit the "Beary Special" poster to proclaim that we are the proud stewards to many, free range, organic and environmentally friendly squirrels and birds.

YES, THAT"S IT! Maybe I'm not such a meanie after all... MAYBE, I'm an ecofriendly, non-owner, of several, displaced, otherwise homeless, not-oppressed-by-captivity, suburban refugees- displaced by loggers and... beavers...