The Flamingo Incident

As you drive down our street, you will notice nice, tidy, little house after house, with well-groomed lawns and clean cars parked in the driveway. And then you approach our house. Yes, ours is that house... the one in almost every neighborhood with the garbage cans out in PLAIN VIEW from the street, the lawn that consists of approximately 3% actual grass, 95% dandelions and 2% toys and the 15 yo minivan in the driveway badly in need of washing and body work. Sorry neighbors! We really are nice people, I promise!

So far, the neighbors have tolerated us. When asked if we were willing to advertise for a fundraiser for a local youth cheerleading club by having 25 or so orange flamingos planted in our front yard- I figured, why not? Maybe they'll distract from the duct tape on my side view mirror, camouflage the weeds in the grass, or better yet, come to life in the middle of the night and eat them! No such luck. The truth is, my colorful little brood, was an eyesore. An adorable, community minded eyesore- but hey- I have more important things to worry about, like how to remove floam from couch cushions and hoping the sun won't melt the adhesive on the duct tape causing my side view mirror to fly off while I am driving!

Horror of horrors, I woke up this morning to find my little flock gone! Gone! Each and every one of their blessed wire legs, and paint chipped beaks had disappeared! This was no lone prankster, this was an organized flamingo-napping. There were 25 of them! No one, baggy pants, sideways baseball cap wearing juvenile could have pulled this off alone... it was a conspiracy!

My friends are convinced that is was a pack of skateboard riding hooligans, but I am not so sure. I think it very well may have been a conspiracy hatched by a pack of BMW driving, lawn edging, dockers- wearing just to wash the car, suburban status quo vigilantes at the latest HOA meeting. I can hear them now as they plotted against me... old guy with a sweater tied around his shoulders says," Isn't it bad enough that they leave their trash cans on the curb well past evening on trash day." "Yes," says the woman who keeps her spices in alphabetical order, "I also hear they only clean their house if they know someone is coming over!" "We have been more than tolerant", says sweater guy,"these flamingos are more than we should be asked to bear, think of our property values!"

Battle won, self conscious neighbors... but be warned, I have a lawn gnome laying in wait in my garage and I am not afraid to use him! Or, in case my theory is off base... come back here with my flamingos you pesky teenagers!!! (yes, I am shaking a cane right now).