Survivor, Hollister

OK- so my eldest daughter is going into middle school this fall and while she will still try to leave the house wearing a turtleneck and shorts, or muddy tennis shoes with a dress, I can see the future clothes horse/fashionista in her slowly beginning to emerge. She wouldn't be caught dead in the precious, stripey, Hanna Andersson dresses I used to buy her (fortunately, my 6YO loves the hand-me-downs!) and refused to even set foot in Gymboree when we were looking for a swimsuit- they carry her size... "we can at least look!" Not a chance!

SO, I have recently begun venturing into Hollister. I have been informed by various teens and pre-teens who are cooler than me, that it is one of the only acceptable places to shop. The truth is, I still carry the scars of being the only girl in the 6th grade who did not have an alligator, polo shirt or a pair of Lawman jeans. Not because our family couldn't afford it, but because my mother would only shop at the Emporium. For those of you not familiar, it is a NW department store, now out of business, I believe, that was essentially a backward JC Penney that carried a dizzying array of embellished sweatshirts with collars sewn into them, dickies, Levi "Bendover" slacks (poly stretch- Mom's fave) and "comfortable" shoes. Basically, it was an old lady store with a Juniors department. Aaanyway, I ended up with a "blouse" that, while it did have a polo shirt collar, it also had a stretchy, elastic waistband.

Fast forward 25 years and I am now willing to do whatever I must to spare my daughter the unnecessary anguish of going to middle school dressed like a dork. I mean, isn't being that age in this day and time hard enough without your mother dressing you funny? SO- back to Hollister. I am no marketing or retail guru, but, wouldn't it help the customers to make their selections if the FRICKIN LIGHTS WERE ON IN THIS PLACE!!! Also, assuming you can make your way past the giant, fake palm trees that are blocking virtually every aisle to ask one of the "too cool to actually make eye contact with you" sales people a question, they would never be able to hear you because the MUSIC IS TURNED UP SO FRICKIN LOUD YOU CAN"T HEAR YOURSELF wondering out loud if it is the bad lighting, or are they really asking $30 for a paper thin tank top! This is ridiculous, I mutter to myself as I make my way to the clearance section, which, to their credit, has some pretty great deals. From what I can tell, in all of my hipness, the clearance items look exactly like the recently released items at the front of the store, only at about half price- although I suspect the discerning middle schooler can spot last month's tank top from all the way across the cafeteria.

Finally, I must make my purchases, not so much because I am done looking, but because a 36 yo woman can only take so much shopping in the pitch black, listening to blaring music and trying to breathe the "Hollister" fragrance that they mercilessly pump into the air. I secretly believe that cologne is formulated to keep us uncool old people out... sort of a bug spray for parents. As I swipe my debit card, the "too cool to make eye contact" sales person casually asks if I would like to sample their cologne... evil little...

Finally- purchases in hand, I am ready to escape Hollister, and as I am blinded by the mall lights after emerging from the "mood lighting" in the store, the alarm sounds. I am told that they accidentlally left a security tag on one of the shirts, but I secretly suspect that this "alarm" is really more of an "uncool" detector that is designed to go off anytime someone over the age of 18, or wearing anything purchased at Target walks through the door.

The things I do for my kids!